So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
