I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
