My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
