that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
