Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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