I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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