I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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