Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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