I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I forget how to act sober
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
