after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
