The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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