The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
