my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
