are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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