I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My liver just had a heart attack.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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