My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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