she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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