Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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