WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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