I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
