im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
