the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
