Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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