I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
