Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My penis needs a shock collar
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
