ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
