Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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