Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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