Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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