I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
