i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
