Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
