I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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