My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
