i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
