Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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