Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
