I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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