Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
