LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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