i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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