At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
