every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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