Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
