New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
