Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
