For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
