Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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