I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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