Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
