y did u give ur computer a hand job?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
