My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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