I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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